Dispatches from Bat Country: May 2024 - Edition 3, Bat Hard with a Vengeance (2024)

Welcome back to Dispatches from Bat Country. It’s the last edition of the month, and even though Tottenham Hotspur’s business is well underway with the re-signing of Timo Werner and links that have previously been only incorporeal are starting to solidify, there is still room for the bizarre, the confounding, and The Sun. That’s the sort of stuff we’re here for.

Here we cover all those rumors on which we normally wouldn’t report. The fringe cases. The names that spring up from untold lands, off the beaten path. We’ll discuss mostly incomings and try and focus on names we haven’t already talked about elsewhere on the site. Each name will be accompanied by a Guano Meter: a ranking out of 5 that instead of rating how likely we think it is to happen, it instead is the complete opposite. For example, a Guano Meter of 5/5 would be something like... my baby daughter choosing to sleep through the night. Come. On.

Check out some of the previous editions here, as well as Nathan Bartel’s excellent piece that was the genesis of this series here.

Thomas Waddingham

• Alright, starting off with a hiss and a roar... come on. You don’t know who this guy is. I barely know who this guy is, and I’m from New Zealand and actually watch the A-League sometimes
• But for the uninformed (i.e. the masses) he’s a young striker who has recently broken through to the first team at the Brisbane Roar in Australia
• 7 goals and 1 assist from 18 starts - not too bad for a youngster who has just hit 19
• From the YouTube comp I just watched for “research” he looks to be very comfortable on the ball, with a good eye for a pass - something that would lend itself well to Ange’s system
• According to transfermarkt, he’s about to be out of contract, so he’d be... free?
• Is he linked to us just because he’s Australian?
• Well, maybe - the links come from the ever “reliable” Football Insider, which in turn comes from Waddingham’s coach at the Roar mentioning in an interview that big European clubs had been looking at him - of course that means Spurs’ name gets attached

Guano Meter: 5/5 - He’s Australian! Ange must want him! But I don’t think so.

Serge Gnabry

• Okay, getting warmer - maybe Harry Kane can put in a couple of good words?
• That’s right, Gnabry (who is ex-Arsenal, by the way) is a winger / forward at Bayern Munich
• And he’s pretty damn good too: before an injury-hit 23/24 season, he’d had double figure goal returns in the previous seven seasons
• About that injury though... he was limited to only 400-ish minutes this season due to muscle injuries
• Did I mention he’s in his late 20’s? That seems like a good combo, doesn’t it?
• Let’s check out where these links come from... oh, come on, Football Insider again??? Don’t you guys have anything better to do?

Guano Meter: 5/5 - See above.

Jack Grealish

• Right, now we’re really cooking! Who wouldn’t want to sign the guy who almost fell off the Manchester City bus?
• Yep, Jack Grealish, famed party animal and all round lad is being linked with a move from Manchester City
• Apparently he’s been frustrated at his lack of minutes (as well as his struggles for form); the trophy cabinet he has must be nice though, as well as the bank account
• Grealish is extremely adept on the ball, however, and could potentially be that dribbly winger Spurs have been looking for; plus he almost signed for Spurs a few years ago
• One slight problem: he does prefer to play on the left. So does Son Heung-Min. And Timo Werner, who Spurs have just re-signed
• The other slight problem: He’s also been linked with Chelsea; pffft, they can’t afford him
• Okay, one more teeny problem: It’s Football Insider AGAIN. Seriously, guys!!!

Guano Meter: 5/5 - Sigh. Just keep scrolling.

Georgiy Sudakov

• Or is it Heorhiy Sudakov? Or Georgi Sudakova? Or some combination of the previous? I do not know at all, so I’m siding with transfermarkt on this one
• Typically one of the more attacking players in a midfield three, the young Ukrainian plies his trade at Shakhtar Donetsk
• He’s aggressive on the ball, both in terms of his dribbling and his passing, and he’s unafraid to try things
• The above mean he might be a decent young backup for James Maddison... nah, we got Bergvall who’s going to blow all our minds
• Okay, there’s more to this one - multiple links, though mostly from second and third tier sources: Ben Jacobs, the Daily Express, Ryan Taylor at Sport, etc
• There’s a bit more detail on the goings-on as well, with Spurs apparently holding exploratory talks with both Sudakov’s agent and Shakhtar
• In case you’d forgotten, the Shakhtar and Spurs front offices haven’t been on the best of terms as of late; the Ukrainian side were slightly miffed that Tottenham used a war to pick up one of their players (Manor Solomon) on a free. Joke’s on us, dude has been injured (among other things) most of the time anyways

Guano Meter: 4/5 - The volume and sourcing of the links make this one feel a bit more like an agent shopping his client around. That plus the mooted price and bad blood between the clubs mean I think this one is unlikely.

Gabriel Osho

• 25-year-old center back who has just been relegated with Luton Town
• Well, not really - he’s actually out of contract so is now a free agent!
• And he’s homegrown...
• Luton were a bit rubbish though, let’s be honest
• Osho’s not the worst we could be looking at though... but he’s also probably not the level we would want either
• That said, a free warm body that would potentially slot into center back better than Emerson Royal doesn’t sound like a bad thing to have
• Yet another rubbish link, this time courtesy of GiveMeSport, who also linked us to Tosin Adarabioyo and Lloyd Kelly in the same piece (and who it seems are headed to Arsenal)

Guano Meter: 5/5 - Should I just stop writing?

Lloyd Kelly

• More center backs! And yet another one we almost previously signed
• Yeah, he’s probably going to Newcastle

Guano Meter: 4/5 - You really thought I’d saved the best until last, didn’t you?

That’s it for this installment. Feel free to rage in the comments that life is fleeting, and we should therefore sign all of these players immediately. Welcome to Bat Country.